Least/Most

Today Matt and I were joking around about how hard I went on the nachos at dinner, and how sick I felt afterwards. Then I lamented on what body parts the nachos would show up first.....And then he said, "Babe, I love those parts the most."

The things I like the least about myself are the things he loves the most, physically and otherwise. It was just what I needed to hear, days before our wedding (and all the time). 

WE DID IT!

The day I have been waiting FOUR years for is TOMORROW! Matthew is returning from his 2-year mission in the Philippines. We haven't seen each other since March 9, 2010. I have felt his absence immensely. This poem  by e.e. cummings basically sums us up:

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                                      i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

I just carry him in my little heart wherever I go. I would never have planned to be 23 and waiting for a missionary, but God has better plans than I do. The past two years have been full of new experiences: student teaching, graduation, a full-time job, heartache, loneliness, adventures and spiritual/physical/emotional growth. I have rediscovered my love of reading. I encountered multiple boys that cemented my decision to marry Matt. I have gained and lost friends, for better and worse. I have gone on road trips, had meaningful conversations, served as my ward's Relief Sociey President, became a Wardie and then a hermit,  and learned that I need 8-9 hours of sleep to function as a normal human being. I learned more fully how to be happy within myself without a significant other. I learned how to write love letters, how to care better for others, how to care for myself. I have grown in empathy, charity and maturity. I joined a legit gym and established a healthier lifestyle. I commenced and halted the planning of a wedding after I realized I can't plan a 2-person life alone. When strangers doubted my decision, I learned to listen to myself and the Spirit to make a decision that was good for me, rather than listen to people who don't know anything about our relationship. I made and partially completed a bucket list. I started work at a museum as an outreach art teacher using my degree. I learned to be still. I strengthened my relationship with family members. Sometimes I cried, vented, whined, and felt sorry for myself....and then I moved on. I daydreamed about life after March 15, 2012. I made it through two holiday seasons single. I practiced finding the good in any situation. I have become more comfortable within myself. My heart has stretched in ways I never knew it could. I have missed him 738 days in a row. I have never regretted my decision. 

Two years without the person you love is pretty hard. But so is being single without an end in sight. So is being a military wife. So is actually going on a mission. So are a lot of things. In 2008, for batshit crazy unknown reasons, I prayed that God would lead me to the man I was supposed to marry, but not marry him yet. Two months later I met Matt and started down a very long road of waiting. It was difficult, but I wouldn't trade this experience for anything. Matthew and I are now more prepared to start our married life together after growing separately for two years. Now it's time to grow together. I'm so happy this part of my life is over, and even more excited for the future. 

It's official: I have decided to stop dating other people. Matt is thrilled!

I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't.

I See You

Lately I have had the opportunity to see a glimpse of maybe how God sees me. I think there are three ways to see a person:

1. How the world sees you
2. How you see yourself
3. How God sees you

I think the way God sees us is the most accurate. The other two seem to be more ambiguous depending on how emotionally stable I am haha. Sometimes I wonder if I see myself correctly. Confidants have been telling me that I am being extremely hard on myself lately, because all I see is flaws. Even during the times when I feel simply imperfect and unloveable, I see this image of myself as being irrational. Of course I'm flawed! I'm human! Humans are imperfect, but always deserve love. I have this out of body experience where I want to snap myself out of a pity party and move it along. At those times, I realize that my perception of myself is not accurate, and maybe the people around me (maybe who know me the most) see me more for who I really am. But sometimes it's the other way around, where you feel like no one realizes who you are, because they only see the first impression or base their image of you off of that one time you were running off of 5 hours of sleep and weren't having the greatest day. At that point, I hope that people who don't see me correctly have the patience to wait out the bad impression and the grace period to find out who I really am. The people who put the most effort into knowing me obviously like me enough to stick around (most of the time), so I guess their opinions are the only ones that truly matter.

And then there's God. I think God sees us without bodies, with perfect clarity and knowledge of who we started out as and how far we've come. God sees how much we try and fail and try again and loves us for who we can become. He sees the talents we don't see as well as the flaws we magnify. He knows our heartaches and sends us angels when we can't function, to strengthen us to be angels for someone else later on when they can't function, either. I think God is merciful and forgiving and wants us to love ourselves as much as we preach about loving our neighbor. He made us to thrive and find joy in sorrow and become like Him amidst heartache and happiness. When I try to see myself as He sees me, with an eternal perspective, I feel beautiful inside and out.

I realize that this blog does not have pictures, or cute anecdotes or even edited paragraphs. Writing my thoughts down stream-of-consciousness style helps me figure out my life and my brain and makes me remember things. If you want to see all those things I'm not, go find a married person's blog to follow! Love ya.

I joined a gym, which is pretty much my Everest. So can I get an Amen for that?

Amen.

Lobsters

It is so interesting to me to see the kind of people certain people choose to date. Mostly because that person is most likely as close to their "ideal person" as they can find, especially if they are dating long-term. Honestly, a lot of times I am baffled....HE/SHE is your ideal person? Do you realize that they give a bad first impression and addicted to Tina Fey? Oh wait, that's me. But really, that sounds really mean. I've realized that a lot of things I say come out mean, when really they are just a matter of fact. Now that sounds cocky. That happens a lot, too. I promise I am less cocky than I am sounding right now.

I still can't believe that I was someone's ideal. 

My roommates and I were talking about "our people" and how everyone has a person...kind of like in Friends when Ross and Rachel get back together and Phoebe shouts, "She's his lobster!"

Ross and Rachel's possible love child according to this theory.

Person = lobster. Get it? Even though lobster, I'm pretty sure, is supposed to mean soul mate in this situation, I think you can have a lot of People in your life. These are not normal people. These are people who you feel comfortable peeing with the door open when they're around. You can sit in the same room with these people for hours and not say a word and still come out of it thinking, "that was a pretty good day". These people learn your nuances and can recite them to others like, "Don't ask kRo to tell you anything about this movie you are about to watch, because she has movie detail amnesia." Your world becomes defined by these people and they don't even try. 

And this is the part where I quote Sex and the City. "What if we were each other's soulmates?" I'm pretty sure this is the closest to lady love that I'll ever get, because I just love me the men too dang much. They smell good and are better at cuddling. Insert awesome wrap-up here.

summer goals:

learn how to longboard
go camping
hot springs
substitute walking for driving when possible
break down the running wall
apocalypse week...much like shark week in terms of awesomeness but more like seeing how long i can go     without electricity and on my food storage
find a g.o.b. (arrested development, anybody?)
roadtrip
be outside so much i get a glow
read more than i watch tv